Let's talk about underwear..

 
     This is a very important topic to me because I LOVE underwear. I can admit that I have fallen victim to the marketing techniques of companies like Victoria Secret. I probably own a pair of underwear for each day of the year. Who needs 365 pairs of underwear besides someone who's constantly afflicted with bladder problems? And no, I don't have urination issues. I've had my kidneys checked and their doing just fine. My underwear obsession however, is not fine. But despite my dangerous frequency of underwear purchases, I do understand the craziness that is women's underwear. Men have two options; boxers or briefs. Women have 300. Bikini, boy short, thong, briefs, hipsters, and the infamous G-string. I'm pretty sure underwear started with the briefs, hipsters and boy shorts. Then after some deliberation panty makers thought, "what would make these more comfortable?" And they answered, "Less fabric!!!" So underwear got skimpier and started moving into crevices that should definitely not contain fabric. And then the panty makers thought even more and said, "You know what would make this thong even better? ...Lace!!" So they made everything out of lace and anything else they could find that showed more skin even though we wear clothes over our underwear anyhow. So now, underneath my sweatpants of course, I'm wearing a thong that's made completely out of lace so that practically nothing is covered or protected. Which is ironic because I think that was the original purpose for underwear. But nevertheless, I'm drawn to the pretty patterns and sexy lace designs even if my butthole hates me for it. 
     You can probably contribute multiple things to the creation of the various underwear types. You could blame it on our patriarchal society that thinks women should wear lingerie for their husbands since sex and cooking are the only things we are good for in life. But I wear the low cut bikinis with the lace trim because they make me feel good. It's my own little secret from the rest of the world. A secret that hopefully one day I will get to share with some lucky man who can make me dinner for a change. But for now I don't wear it to please some guy, but to give myself the confidence that society tries to take away from me on a daily basis. So screw all the slut shamers who say thongs are for whores. You wear those underwear with your chin held high and your butt looking fabulous! 

                                                                   Until next time, 

                                                                                Go eat a pineapple and bedazzle your thong. 

Traveling in Style: My Classy Ass Family

     I don't care what anyone else says, Summer is the best time of the year. The Pope could proclaim summer to be the three months run by the devil  and I would still hail to summer....and I guess Satan if I'm following that connection. Summer means no school, no responsibilities, and no more early morning wake up calls from my mom's raptor-like voice. But, the most important tradition of summer is the family vacations. Not to brag or anything, but my family has the best vacations a teenage girl could ever ask for. There's drinking, fighting, public embarrassment, and A LOT of beach time. You probably only agree with me on one out of four of those things, but that's because you don't know my family. Now trust me here, there's nothing better than hearing your grandmother call your drunk Aunt a cry baby because she's freaking out that she lost her sunglasses in the ocean. Or, watching your 68 year old grandma chase after the lifeguards jogging on the beach in order to get their phone numbers. You would think that with stories like these I would have had the worst teenage years imaginable; but it was actually quite the opposite. I never had that "ugh my family is so lame" outlook when I was out in public with them. I was always chasing after lifeguards and picking on the weak relatives right along side them. I know it seems a little unorthodox but I've got one hell of a family which makes for one hell of a vacation. I mean, it's always the bad vacations that get remembered as the best, right? Chevy chase made a whole movie franchise based off bad family vacations and everyone loves them. Of course, our family trips haven't involved tying a dead relative on the roof of our car like Clarke Griswold, but I have seen my sister lose her bathing suit while boogie boarding, and that was just as upsetting. Well, everyone's got their own crazy family with their own stories to tell. I hope you cherish those times as I've cherished mine. 

                                                Until next time, 

                                                                Go eat a pineapple and watch a Chevy Chase movie 

p.s. I'm going on that iconic family vacation next week so I'll let you know how that goes.....hopefully not well at all(;

Summer Flings and Purity Rings

     Blog title aside, I've recently been trying to reach out to members of the opposite sex. You see, I went to an all-girls high school, so I don't have that much experience conversing with guys....unless you count my fifty year old biology teacher, but if I were you I definitely wouldn't. But, based off the encounters I've had with people I'm not sexually attracted to, I can only imagine the mortifying "conversations" I'm going to attempt to have with people I actually do want to see naked. Despite my anxieties about these situations I want to at least try to get acquainted with the whole "dating" thing. I'm eighteen and I have never had a boyfriend. I might as well buy a purity ring and change my name to Mary because my virginity is here to stay. If I ever write a blog announcing I'm pregnant anytime soon I would start praying because Jesus is coming and he's taking us all down. The "impending rapture" aside, I'm starting college this year and I don't want to go in completely inexperienced. Romantic comedies and after school specials can only teach me so much, and I doubt Topenga and Corey's relationship is all that relatable to real world couples. So, like any other rational teenage girl, I've decided a summer fling might be my next move. Now I'm not exactly the one night stand type so that's definitely not what I'm trying to pursue. I need someone to just date for a month or so with no strings attached. Or maybe date around with a few guys. Well I might be getting in over my head with the dating around idea. Finding multiple men to want to date me? Even Cupid couldn't pull that one off. I know that's unrealistic, but if I at least had your average (hell I'll take below average because right now I'm at "cat lady" level)  run-of-the-mill teenage romantic experiences then I can go to college with a little more confidence. However, getting to the point of tricking someone into finding me attractive is going to be difficult; and then getting that same person to then like my personality is going to be even harder. But before I can even get to that point I have to strike up a conversation with someone that isn't an 80 year old grandma at the supermarket but, let's face it, my communication skills are limited. The closest I've gotten to talking to a guy in public was just extremely awkward eye contact followed by me immediately leaving the premises because (God forbid!) he could have come over and talked to me. Maybe next time I'll smile and then run away.....baby steps....baby steps. Well, I'll keep you updated on my search for a summer fling. Wish me luck!

                                                                   Until next time,
                           
                                                                                     Go eat a pineapple and shine that purity ring!

First Blog Post

     This is my first blog post so I have no idea what I'm doing, but I've gotten this far in life not having a clue and I haven't died yet. *Self high-five* As you can tell from my blog title, I am single. And if you read the little "About Me" section, as well, then I know exactly what you're thinking. How could a girl who has an unwavering love for pineapples and equates herself to the genius mind of Conan O'Brien ever be single?? The answer is simple. I never leave the house. And this information brings you to the explanation of the "and not ready to mingle" portion of my blog title. Now, I have to be honest. Even if I had the social butterfly attitude of Jimmy Fallon and actually left my house, I would still be stuck with the social grace of Jennifer Lawrence. Of course I don't have her good looks and charm so it's not as endearing when I trip and fall up the stairs. In fact, people usually leave that scene covering the eyes of their children while a feeling of second-hand embarrassment lingers over the innocent bystanders. However, when I do step into the light of society, and manage to return safely to my computer, I always leave the situation gaining something from the experience. So that's what you'll be reading if you follow this blog. I'll post my tips for surviving social situations, opinions on relevant issues, advice on what NOT to do with your life, and, most definitely, embarrassing stories of the many social faux pas that I hope will make you laugh.


                                                                      Until next time,

                                                                                Go eat a pineapple and call your mother