Single for the Holidays

   
     It's about that time of year where everyone around you suddenly pairs off, and you're left to face your, suddenly very inquisitive, family all by yourself. They ask the basic questions, "How's school going? What are you studying? How's work?" But then, your Great Aunt Myrtle, now loosened up from chugging about 5 glasses of eggnog, asks the question that makes you crawl into a pit of self-loathing that not even the sluttiest pair of underwear can drag you out of; "So, are you seeing anyone?" *cue immediate self- loathing* What Aunt Myrtle doesn't know is that the only time you leave your house/dorm is to go to class; and she's not pleased when you respond saying, "Oh, no not yet." You fake a smile trying to hide the fact that your dignity is slowly diminishing as more people enter the conversation. Suddenly the whole room is now only concerned with your dating life. You hear, "Oh really? No one." "Hey Jerry! Kate here isn't dating anyone! Do you think Kevin is still available?" You act like you're paying attention to their plans to set you up with a "nice fellow from their church" but really you're just imagine punching Aunt "Boozey" straight in her throat. Let's see her ask any more questions then. Well, in case you're ever in this type of situation, here are a few tips to dodge the questions as quickly as possible with as little need for alcoholic beverages as possible.


1. Tell them you're thinking about becoming a nun. You can't have a boyfriend/girlfriend if you're already married to Jesus! Added bonus: Your super religious great grandparents will be so pleased with your life choices, and you'll be a step closer to getting the good stuff in their will. Also, in case you don't want to talk at all, you can pretend you already took a vow of silence and can't speak.

2. Create a fake boyfriend/girlfriend. Moral qualms aside, lying is easy! They'll never know that Greg from the coffee shop isn't actually real. Warning: Don't be too specific and don't make the relationship too serious. That's how things get complicated.

3. Say, "Well I'm currently exploring my sexual preferences and don't want to tie myself down" I guarantee you they will leave you alone.

4. Say, "Ever since the gonorrhea incident of 2013 I've been careful in the dating field"

5. Say, "Yea, but he's married so we're keeping it on the down low" wink and then walk away

6. Say, "I won't be dating until I get the test results back"

7. Say, "Well, things are getting pretty serious with my prison pen pal"

8. Just immediately start crying and run away

9. Diversions! So many Diversions! They ask about your relationships say "Oh no I'm not in a relationship, but that reminds me! Remember that ship, the titanic. That was sad, right? Wonder how that happened..."

10. Finally, my personal favorite, throw some one else under the bus. Got another relatively young, single family member? Call them over and immediately join old Auntie Myrtle in grilling him or her on their relationship status.


Trust me. these ideas are foolproof! So good luck and remember, there's nothing wrong with being single!


                                                                        Until next time,

                                                                                         Eat a pineapple and punch your Aunt Myrtle